John 10:10, "...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
"All men die. Few men really live." Wm Wallace, Braveheart
After my divorce was final last year, I decided to check one off my bucket list. I hesitated to call it "celebrating", because a divorce is nothing to celebrate, so I called it a "rite of passage". The truth is, during our engagement I was invited by some coworkers to go skydiving one weekend. My (then) fiance, said if I was going to go, to do it before we got married so if something happened, she would be mourning the death of her best friend, and not be a grieving widow. I decided not to go. But I always wanted to do it. Now was my chance.
It was a beautiful Saturday morning (July 23) as I drove up to Sebastion Florida. I decided on this place because it was right near the coast, so I would have great views of the ocean. The really cool thing about skydiving in South Florida is that you get the full benefit of the fall. No matter where you live, you jump at around 14,000 feet. If you go in a place like Denver, you land at approximately 5,000 feet meaning only a 9,000 foot fall. In Sebastion you land at 19 feet. So you literally fall 14,000 feet.
I arrived at the place, signed up, paid for it, and spent a seeming eternity signing waivers in case something bad happened. Then I met the man who would do the tandem jump with me and he explained what would happen and how it would all go down. I decided that because I most likely would not do this again, to go all out and have the jump video'd by a separate jumper. Finally the moment came and we boarded the plane.
The only thing I can say is the sensation was very different than I expected. For one thing, there's no feeling of accelerating. That's because you are already moving forward at about 110 knots. Terminal velocity is around that so actually you are just gradually changing direction. It was all over in about 5 minutes.
I reflected on that experience, and other adventures I've had. I've always been a bit of a daredevil. I love the adrenaline rush of skydiving, cliff jumping, and crazy rollercoasters. Although I've had to stop riding rollercoasters after I hurt my back slightly. Even beekeeping provides that rush. Yes, I admit it. I get a bit of a charge out of handling bees with my bare hands...especially if people are watching and freaking out.
I thought about how fear has kept me from pursuing dreams and goals that I have had, and something occurred to me that struck me as very profound:
Skydiving is very easy...child's play really.
The reason is simple -- there's very little risk. And my fears, while very real, are not based on reality. I'm not sure if irrational is the right word, but in reality, it is extremely unlikely that anything bad is going to happen. I don't believe that the skydiving place has ever had a mishap with a tandem skydive. So while the voices inside of me are screaming, "Don't do it!" another voice, the logical, practical one is saying, "There is nothing to be afraid of. You checked out the the skydive place's safety record, Or the water below the cliff, and you've watched the rollercoaster make it's loop and you know it's going to be fine. You took a MUCH greater risk when you got behind the wheel and drove here today." Ultimately, we listen to the practical voice and we jump.
That isn't the way it is in real life.
Those risks are VERY real.
The new dream job might be a nightmare. The business startup might fail. Moving to that place you've always wanted to live may be a disaster. And that relationship could very well end with your heart being broken.
What's crazy is, now the voice that was saying, "Don't do it", is now screaming, "Please!! Get me out of this dead-end, meaningless rut". And the practical voice that assured me that the skydiving was perfectly safe, is now saying, "It's too risky. Don't take any chances. Play it safe". That voice is greatly amplified by the hurts and disappointments I've already experienced.
So while I may have conquered my irrational fear with the jumps and rollercoasters, I'm still crippled by fear. It's just that now it's more rational.
I suppose that a little of the rational fear is good if it makes us count the cost and weigh out the choices. It can keep us from doing stupid, irresponsible things. But that "rational fear" can keep us in bondage too. I found that sometimes I was doing adventerous things to convince myself that I was "really living".
But it was all superficial. I was having "near life experiences".
The only answer I have found is complete, surrendered trust, in the one who is completely trustworthy. Last year I came to the complete end of myself. The expression; "Jesus is all I need", came to have whole new meaning because Jesus was all I had. I had trusted God before, but not completely. It was always with reservation. I was holding back. But when I got to the end of myself I realized what I was holding on to: A vapor -- nothing.
It was actually a wonderful place to come to, because at that point I had nothing more to lose. Sometimes I think God has to get us to that point, so he can begin doing his work in us. In order for us to be filled by him, we first have to be emptied of ourselves.
So while on July 23, 2016, I took a plunge out of an airplane; felt the adrenaline rush and had a blast, I didn't really take a risk. But on August 25, just over a month later, I embarked on a trip back home to my extended family in Minnesota, that would culminate in me moving to Knoxville Tennessee. That was a risk. When I set out that August morning, I didn't know where I'd end up. I never had an end-game plan. What if I couldn't find work? Or what if I can't handle a cold winter? Or (this happened to my dad in Oregon) what if I find out I'm deathly allergic to something that blooms in the spring everywhere here? Or any number of things. I had to trust that God had this under control.
Of course, there's a risk in surrendered trust. And that is that God most likely has a plan for my life that is quite different from the plan I have for my own life. It's funny how we read Jeremiah 29:11 and never see that. It's HIS plan, not mine. God called Peter to step out of the boat. He called Abraham to leave his family and go to a land he would show him. Did you ever notice that God didn't even tell him where he was taking him? He just said he would show him. Jesus said in Luke 9:23-24;
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."
So I'm learning what it means to say, "Not my will, but yours". And that I must become less, so that he can become greater. I still have a long ways to go, but I'm closer than I was before. Maybe close enough that I can see a little better how it ends...And surrendered trust has a GOOD ending.
