Does God Hate Divorce?
Yes, he does. But many misunderstand the verse in Malachi 2:16, which in some cases is translated, “God hates divorce,” or “God hates putting away.” Often the verse is taken out of context so it is important to look at the entire section to see what is really meant.
Malachi 2:14-16 NIV
You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.
It is not the actual filing for divorce that God hates. It is what led up to the filing – breaking faith with your spouse.
Many have the idea that being unfaithful simply means adultery. But the above verse demonstrates that it goes beyond that. Hating the one you should love is being unfaithful. The man or woman who abuses the other is being unfaithful and doing violence to the one he should protect. Simply put, marriage vows go beyond simply abstaining from sexual immorality. To violate those vows is to be unfaithful.
Seven years ago, I went through my divorce. It was the most excruciating time for me, as well as the time of my life when I felt the most ashamed. I was not innocent by any means but the situation had become completely unlivable.
At some point in the proceedings my attorney said, “Men don’t leave their wives and children unless they have fallen in love with someone else.” I was taken aback because I had not fallen in love with anyone and wanted nothing to do with a relationship at that point. The last few years of my marriage were hell on earth and I was not interested in repeating the experience. I told the attorney that being with someone else was the last thing on my mind.
“Believe me,” He chuckled. “I’ve been in this business a long time. I can tell almost immediately whether a man or woman I am representing is seeing someone. And no, you are not seeing anyone.” I said, “I don’t follow.” He continued, “When a man or woman falls in love with someone else and leaves their partner it’s because the relationship has become boring and they think they have finally found their soulmate. However, when a man or woman leaves their spouse and DON’T run into the arms of another, they aren’t leaving. They are ESCAPING. They know the grass won’t be greener but the present situation has become unlivable and they simply cannot go on like this.”
I heard about one woman saying to her husband as she left, “ I don’t need you in order to have a miserable life. I can do that by myself.” That woman’s words were a wake up call to the man and he truly repented and today they have a beautiful ministry together.
A Word to Pastors and Counselors
1 Corinthians 7:10-11 NIV
“To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.”
Often we read just the first part of that passage and stop. Any time you see the word ‘but’ or ‘however’ in a sentence or paragraph, it is what comes after that word that’s important. God does allow for a person to leave as long as they are willing to live single. They have not violated anything at that point.
Pastors need to understand that the only authority they have is what the scripture gives them. If a man or woman leaves their spouse the only condition placed on them is that they remain single. Pastors do NOT have the authority to enforce any conditions beyond that.
If you have someone come into your office and tell you they are leaving their spouse the first thing you need to ask is if they have found someone new. If they have, they are automatically in the wrong. That is adultery. But if they haven’t, then they are most likely escaping a situation that has become unlivable. Pastors, you need to get out the magnifying glass and carefully scrutinize the person they are leaving and try to determine what made that individual rather be alone than live with that person. Instinctively, we know that divorce is not the easy way out. So, unless they are being carried off by illusions of romance and excitement they are probably in a horrible, abusive situation.
THEY ARE ALLOWED TO LEAVE!
Pastors have no authority to tell anyone that they must remain in a situation they find unlivable.
Emotional Abuse
This is an area that the church needs to educate themselves on. It is more complicated than physical abuse because it’s not as obvious. Mental and emotional abuse is often difficult to identify but the Bible does give us some principles to guide us.
Men are commanded to love their wives as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25) and honor them as the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7). And wives are to love and respect their husbands. Now, for a marriage to work will require both a husband and a wife to practice repenting, forgiving and extending a LOT of grace because WE ARE ALL going to fall very short of that standard. But, if a man or woman relates to their spouse in ways that are not characteristic of love and respect then at the very least, it is heading in the direction of emotional abuse.
One thing people, and pastors especially, need to be aware of is that emotional abusers are manipulators. Not only are they manipulating the one they are abusing but they are also trying to manipulate those around them. Pastors, if you are potentially in a position to be counseling this couple be aware that you are the number two target of the abuser. You need to be very wary of their gaslighting tactics. A lot of people, pastors especially, are fooled by these people.
This is especially true if the abuser ever loses control over the one they are abusing. At that point they will do everything they can to control what other people think of that person, especially their children if they have any.
Concluding remarks
A few points to remember:
If you haven’t heard both sides you don’t know the story. Don’t let either spouse try to get you to take sides.
If a spouse leaves but not for someone new, they are most likely escaping a situation that is unlivable.
If a person left simply to get away, be aware that the other spouse is going to try to get you to believe the other person is the bad guy.
Pastors, don’t attempt to go beyond the authority the scripture specifically gives you. You don’t have the authority to tell people what to do if it is not specifically stated in the Bible.
Beyond that, try to be there for the people but don’t become too emotionally involved in the situation. They need us to keep a level head.
We have to understand, at the end of the day, we are all accountable to God and that includes the couple who are separating. It is ultimately God who will judge them. We can try to help in whatever way we can by being supportive and counseling and encouraging them to reconcile but ultimately they will answer to God and God will judge. When it is clear that one or both of the spouses has acted in ways that are contrary to the biblical mandates for conduct in a marriage and refuse to be corrected, then we should stop wasting our time with them.
Sometimes reconciliation is not possible.
One obvious question is whether the people will ever be allowed to remarry. The answer is that there are situations where people are allowed to remarry but that’s a subject for another blog. Ultimately that is between them and God as well.
When Jesus was asked about divorce he said that it was never intended that men and women would be separated except by death. But it was allowed because of the hardness of the people’s hearts. That is essentially what Paul was saying in 1 Corinthians 7:10; people should not be separating. But because of the hardness of people’s hearts it may be necessary. A Godly husband or wife is not going to be manipulating and abusing their spouse. So if you are being abused and manipulated you are not required to remain in that situation. And if you are the other spouse, you need to do what the man whose wife left saying that she could be miserable by herself did:
Examine yourself and repent!
